Reflections on faith and art – Going Back to Move Forward: Da Capo al Fine

moraine lake

As a boy I loved to hike in the Rocky Mountains not far from where I grew up in Calgary, Alberta. Fourteen year old boys are known for many things. A steady, focused willingness to properly read a map is not one of them. On more than one occasion I got lost. Colossally lost. Front page news lost.

Now, getting lost in the hood is one kind of nervous. Getting lost on some back road is another. But, getting lost in the Rockies, well known as treacherous, moody, bear-infested and snow-smothered is something else altogether. Bears do their best grocery shopping among these unpredictable rocks, boulders and ancient back-scratched geography where over confident lads provide them ready access to fresh food.

A group of stolid and hardy lads in which I was involved, the Boy’s Brigade of St. Andrew’s Presbyterian Church, enjoyed numerous such excursions into this high altitude, western paradise each year. I, in fact, was a group leader, having achieved the illustrious honor of Lance Corporal (it sounded cooler then than now). Part of my duties involved rallying chaotic, testosterone-laden infusions of pre-manhood into some semblance of order; a kind of teenage yellow rope.

Boys Brigade image

Our destination? Alberta’s unrivaled Moraine Lake hidden artfully among The Valley of the Ten Peaks.

It is a space of unparalleled breadth and relatively young, but stoic guardians of Banff National Park. By comparison, the tiny, peanut shaped lake, covering barely a fifth of a square mile, is sister to numerous other glacier lakes squatting majestically in the Rockies, including Lake Louise. It is of a color impossible to accurately describe. Suffice it to say that the wildly turquoise hue of the crystalline water announces itself with an overstated elegance well suited to its heroic surroundings.

That was our setting. This was our set up: about twenty over-confident, wildly exuberant man-boys oozed out of two vans, dutifully fart-infested, noise-experienced and travel weary (it is a two hour drive after all), at the main parking lot at the base of the valley. From there a host of hiking trails, well trod and well signed, could be promptly ignored by our troop of bawdy adventurers. We were perfectly capable of navigating the complexities of the labyrinthine Rocky Mountains armed with a compass or two, a twenty-minute basic survival training video and our three fearless leaders (I’d include myself, but I helped forge the debacle).

One would think that our conservative Presbyterian environment might have created a more…human tribe. But, alas, as is the predicate of our gender, our bombastic tales of woe and  fabled exploits with mystery women, always surprisingly willing to succumb to our passionate advances, filled the summer wind; a wind mixed well with our own teenage gaseous effluent. As father to two strapping lads of my own, I am often privy to the baffling rampage of boastful male oddities foisted on an unsuspecting, eye-rolling public. Yes, I was one of those. Lord, have mercy. But, more than our strutting demeanors might suggest, we were severely lacking in either outdoor prowess or the wisdom of experience, let alone the common sense generally considered an asset in the Canadian wilderness.

compassIn just over twenty-four hours we were fabulously lost. The question burning in one’s mind at this point might be, how does one get lost when one goes hiking in an area so distinctively obvious as an azure-blue lake punctuated by ten rather large, easy to count, mountain peaks? Good question. We asked the same one, numerous times, each time with greater panic. Every cut line, every scree, every grove of pine trees all looked annoyingly similar. And with each wrong turn, our confidence waned. And, as our confidence waned, so did our supplies. The unwanted guest? Panic.

When life hits the place of panic and confidence has escaped out the back door, we will often put our heads down, flip our collars to “the cold and damp” and soldier on. We think that faithfulness to our present course is best since we can throw so many juicy scriptures to support it. Besides, we just need faith and to “man up.” Right?

As it is when lost on a hiking trip, so it is in life. Sometimes it is just best to pause for a moment, take a breath and then retrace one’s steps to the last recognizable place before starting up again. However, to one who is lost, once recognizable things seem foreign. As a result, we are forced to trust the more tried and true accoutrements of trodden path, compass and map. Our ending place, though seeming as though unguaranteed, is more assured in light of an intentional return to what we know best.

Go back to the beginning until you find the end – da capo al fine – is a musical term used to circumscribe large pieces of music that would otherwise prove too unwieldy and long. It also offers listeners an opportunity to experience again the musical strains that first captivated, re-opening doors to the sublime. It is also designed to bring a satisfying musical journey to a final, glorious end. And, it describes well the course of action best suited to the dilemma of lost-ness.

To heedlessly plow ahead regardless of consequences on some vague notion of finding one’s way by sheer determination will, more often than not, lead to disappointment…or worse. dc al fineTo stop, breathe in deeply the air that still surrounds us, and then prayerfully return to a foundational place, is always the wiser choice. Of course, this doesn’t guarantee we’ll find our place of origin on the journey quickly or easily. What we may find, however, is the still, small voice spoken just behind our ear encouraging us to follow the voice, not just our gut. That said, how fun to hear an orchestra take a stab at a symphony birthed out of the same bravado and self-assured swagger long vanished from our sorry troop and replaced with the unsteady panic of facing a vast forest with no clear sense of direction!

We did find our way home…well, with the help of RCMP helicopters and small army of distraught parent volunteers. D.C. al fine – back to go forward – forward back home. Our place of beginning, the spot where adventure and beauty became tears for fears (no, the real one) began, looked all the more beautiful for having taken the long way home.

BB picture: www.blogs.nottingham.ac.uk  (Check out more on the Boys Brigade movement here)

dc al fine: www.mikesmusicpages.com

compass: www.seanoakely.com

Daydreams – poetry from the periphery IV

Has been

He was on the football team,

his jersey long retired.

He still parties there

with high school kids

half his age;

time has

run.

 emoticons

Emoticon

A person in a circle,

soul in a smiley face.

What tale does it tell?

Evidences

of something

beyond

it.

 

Cancer

Every time I look away

I see his sunken eyes.

Pallid reminders

of death’s loud voice

and broken

promise:

more.

 

Pulchritude

When we see in pulchritude,

those things that seldom shine;

only then we see

what goodnesses

fill the earth-

 and we

sing.

 cell

Falling in a window

Life is God’s distillation

of Light from dark and light.

When the morning comes

to breathe her life

into me,

I can

fall.

Pictures: www.scotconway.com & www.123rf.com, respectively

Evening examen-ate

evening compline

Rooting down inside the soil of today’s plantings,

what is there to find of nourishing value

to those forced to hunt for food?

Will my table be full of happy gleanings,

the imperishable crumbs of imperfect bread

dipped in the eternal whimsy of                 Photo: www.trappist.net

God’s good thoughts?

Will those left knocking outside

the door of my own inner garden

remain in hungered silence?

Or, will the gardener open up

the squeaky gate that leads to nowhere

and feed paupers on a king’s repast?

If only that can be found,

then this has been a good day.

 

Bus stop

bus stop

The bus stop doesn’t care

about your grassroots polemic

of impolite rhetoric,

citing shrewdness or compassion,

scarcity or excess

fair play or “opportunity”

tradition or progress

pedagogy or bedtime story

the little indoctrinations

of little men with littler ideas,

whose vote can smell your wallet.

It stands, solid and unconfused

merely offering shelter

for folks just longing

for home.

Further thoughts from the kitchen window

at the kitchen window by de scott evans

* * *

Still not moving a muscle,

her musings take a different turn.

Her thens and nows merge

into what thens? what ifs? whys?

She digs into chambers of stillness

yet untainted by too many wrong questions

and finds enough echo of

the questions once most prevalent:

why not? How?

* * *

Timelines soon give way

to time’s lines wending their way

through the groves of memory,

the pastures of her being

where placid, daytime scenes

of yesterday’s yearnings

force their way upward

and sit on the floor of her conscious heart.

* * *

Is the ideal and the real

a good place to struggle?

“How long?” she thinks, must this

place elude where

boundaries crave margins,

periods demand commas

on statements crying out to be questions?

“Isn’t this story old enough?

When do I get to narrate what

seems so uncontrollable, characters

unrecognizable, a plot unyielding?

* * *

“Birds don’t sing because

they have an answer,

but because they have a song” they say.

Who is “they” and what do

“they” say when the “song”,

already oversung, becomes a mockery

in its lack of answers?

Sometimes the ready breath

of silence with neither song nor answer

brings more life than

a song that is merely a

kitchen without windows.

Painting: At the Kitchen Window by American painter De Scott Evans (1847-1898)

Thoughts from the kitchen window

at the kitchen window by de scott evans

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She stands

gazing out her kitchen window

with that expression

that says too much.

Her eyes betray

the meeting place of

her head and her gut.

It pulls at the need for space

with the space for need –

a balance long lost to her.

* * *

From the kitchen window

she sees her, a robin, full-throated

and proud.

Her song is persistent, ragged

and rough around the edges,

but sure, notes as they were meant to be:

bloated with joy,

brushed with pain,

saturated in the sound

of summer winds

unconcerned with propriety.

No careless, garish squawks

from this dear throat – only love.

* * *

Revealed in the ruffled folds

of her dress, a life,

though less ruffled,

still cries out for ironing.

Uneven pleats and

mismatched colors bleed into

unsecured hems.

* * *

Still, as she waits

and stares at nothing,

it says everything.

And at the place where a robin’s song

threads itself like a needle

along the coastline of uncomfortable garments

there is in her a missing reconnaissance –

like the bird feeder lacking birds.

* * *

This messy business

of life’s lovely entrapments:

friendships in the guise of interrupted

moments too bright for sunny afternoons

meant for more eyes,

the song of birds

meant for more ears

than hers.

Daydreams – poetry from the periphery III

aclk

Picture found here

Disturbance

There is a disturbance here.

It has rendered me dumb.

Life, under-the-sun,

repels itself

and blows to

greedy

death.

 

Shadow self

We are but a shadow self,

alone, till someone sees

what pains prop us up

against the backdrop

of time and chance.

Faith, alone,

brings us

home.

 

Distractions

Every time I look away

I fail to see what’s here.

What’s there is not now.

I’m here, not then,

now, not when;

living

still.

NuclearMystics_detail4_905

Picture found here

Petition

I petition one unseen

for things to which I’m blind

and yearn for mem’ry

and love’s best chance

to marvel,

rest, and

see.

 

Distillation

Life is God’s distillation

of everything brooding

beneath the surface,

where my fears hide,

revealing

my sour

drink.

 

 

 

 

Today is Grandma’s tea

For my late Grandma, Rosamond Kearns 1914-2000

I miss your tea, apple pie and, most of all, your stories.

 

There you stand, small, but unshakable;

a frail willow too weak for shade,

too pale to paint,

or uncertain to dance,

but winsome and sure.

The bastion of your mind

en-routed, but disheveled,

distracted, but joyful

gropes for never-tired stories,

fondles the moments and

strains after voices of nobler days.

Your siren song,

once allergic to melancholy

whispers notelessly, looking for shape

in the notes of the long, lazy journey

back home, the place of

satin-edged afternoons

and doilies under teacups.

Full of happy times,

you sip the hot, sweet satisfaction

and taste yesterday’s laughter

on well-worn faces.

Today was always better than

tomorrow mirrored against yesterday.

It stands

alone,

unheralded by that which is past,

unremembered by that which will come.

Here, you can stand tall, unshakable,

stronger now because

life has steeped long enough to pour

from your well-stained cup

our well-brewed tomorrow.

For one left behind

For Randy Henry, whose hopeful tomorrows come at the expense of painful todays. We suffer with you, dear brother.

Randy and Lori

And like the flowers dry and few

in dust, unveiled in sidewalk cracks,

these words may just, in part, renew

the seasons spent like melted wax.

* * *

The silences of friends remain

the best of words in time of spoil.

Their tender glances probe the pain

absorbing tears, and sharing toil.

* * *

This gruesome tear upon your soul,

it’s lancing gash no mercy knows.

But fill again this gaping hole

with wholeness, robust summer rose.

* * *

So now embark, dear friend, once more

to journey’s end, a start to find.

‘Tis here we stand on healing, sure

of hope ahead, and loss, behind.

 

Today: how one church is changing my mind about the Church

Sunday, June 2, 2013. Today, I witnessed what Kingdom life could actually be. Today, I participated in the end result of a two year process of prayer and discernment and reading and study and task forces and subcommittees and newsletters and, and…all of which resulted in a remarkable decision: we decided, 95% in favor, to leave the PCUSA and join the ECC (Evangelical Covenant Church). Today, I observed a charter Presbyterian congregation, generally older but getting younger, choose a radically new direction in order to forge a future together.

Today, one church changed my mind about the Church.

church edited

I have served Westminster Presbyterian for almost seven years now as Minister of Worship and Music. It has been a charge not always gilded around the edges and, at times, fraught with peril and flying feathers. The church to which I first came was chaotic, dysfunctional, darkly suspicious and untrusting. They were, in a word: broken. We were front-page news in unfortunate, even scandalous ways, and were still convinced that our ship was afloat.

In my first year we lost a Pastor to admission of numerous counts of sexual harassment along with most of our staff. An artsy, indecisive, left-wing music director was forced into the uncomfortable cadre of leadership left in the wake of the human debacle that was Westminster at the time. I generally squirm in such scenarios but rose to the challenge (more or less) with fear and trembling. We were a congregation in crisis, chaos and spiritual renovation.

What got lost along the way were a bloated sense of self-importance, an uncomfortably conservative-exclusivist milieu, and pretty much all our youth and young families. It wasn’t a ghost town. It was more of a wind swept plain before spring planting. But there was to be one more storm to blow through town. His name? Well, let’s call him Roger. He came to us in the role of Interim Pastor. In a sense, it’s a bit like hiring a First Mate to steer a moving ship once the Captain has bailed. It is meant to be a short-term gig and pave the way for, what is in the PCUSA, a Designated Pastor to the end of obtaining a Senior Pastor.

Roger was a short, self-assured, theological bully. He blew into town with guns ablazin’, mouth awaggin’ and a well-oiled self-importance intact. Whatever remaining hope I had for this struggling place evaporated in the steam of his charging train, bull-in-a-china-shop, ministry style (he proudly considered himself the “bulldog pastor”). In his brief tenure (thank God), he singlehandedly destroyed my committee, a host of other committees, shouted and otherwise cajoled loudly and insistently, and pretty much insulted most everyone else. He was everything a pastor shouldn’t be. Stepping back from the experience however I’m forced to concede that the very good administrative and structural work he did not only paved the way for the coming of someone else to take his place but also, ironically, sealed his own fate.

In the trail of dust and carnage left behind we’ve hired a new Pastor, Reverend Duncan MacLeod. Duncan is a clever, winsome fellow of numerous abilities, overweening confidence (although graced with the humility lacking in his predecessor) and, most important of all, a great sense of humor. He would need that. His capable, relaxed style of leadership, together with an astonishingly humble and wise Session (elder-leaders in the Presbyterian tradition) guided us through the hazardous waters of ecclesiastical politics recently bubbling over in our denomination. The numerous, big ticket issues facing many mainline denominations have made their presence known, loudly and insistently, at PCUSA doors. The turbulent environment of this overly white, liberal, old boys club had become just poisonous enough to our particular DNA that, to be the strange animal we are and do gospel business the way we do it, we needed to vacate.

Easter Praise 3

I’ve played the church game long enough to know that many churches have split over much less than what we’ve endured. We were chartered in 1957 as Westminster Presbyterian Church, a church plant of First Presbyterian, Yakima. We’ve faced down our demons and become well acquainted with our own scar tissue. Gratefully, the strange little group to which I was first wed has become, under Duncan’s leadership, let’s say…integrated. I would now describe us as unabashedly multi-generational, multi-ethnic (at least we’re trying), politically broad, and theologically diverse congregation. Those things are important to us; important enough to make whatever adjustments necessary to assure our continued presence as such.

Is it groundbreaking? For us. Is it precedent setting? Not as such. Is it unique? Of course not. No, nothing like that. Rather, it is indicative of a congregation longing to stay together and become who we already are by embracing what we are becoming. The next time you drive by, our sign may be different but the conversation will be just as lively, the swing in our step just as jaunty, our singing just as robust, our faces a bit more wrinkled, our doors a bit more open, and our fellowship…? Rich.

Today, one church changed my mind about the Church.

(September 5th marks the seven-year anniversary of my tenure at Westminster Presbyterian Church. I love these people and will go to the wall for them. Thank you, dear friends).